


Battle for the Doctor's Love in the Death Zone

by mrs_mozzie



Category: Austin Powers (Movies), Doctor Who
Genre: Battle, Character Bashing, Cunnilingus, Deliberate Badfic, F/F, F/M, Gallifrey, I Don't Even Know, Italy, Non-Sexual Bondage, Orgy, Sequel, Tribadism, With A Twist, butt stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-24 04:09:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6141040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_mozzie/pseuds/mrs_mozzie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WHO LOVES THE DOCTOR THE BEST?</p><p>Four women have been called by three Doctors to the Death Zone in Gallifrey.  The first woman is the beautiful blonde beauty Rose Tyler, the 19-year-old working class shop assistant from London.  Surely she loves the Doctor the best--they shared a kiss inside his Tardis to get rid of the Bad Wolf meme!  And she traveled between parallel worlds to see him again.  There's no question Rose loves the Doctor, right?</p><p>But wait!  Steven Moffat never liked Rose shippers.  After all, he introduced Madame de Pompadour to the show.  Wikipedia says that she actually was a real person, but I don't believe that.  So, after "The Girl in the Fireplace," Moffat wanted an original character to spite Rose shippers further.  Enter River Song, who could be, like, my grandmother.</p><p>(CONTINUED IN NOTES)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Big Fight

**Author's Note:**

> WOW, RUDE, AO3. THAT SUMMARY WAS CLEARLY UNDER 1250 CHARACTERS AND YOU WOULDN'T SAVE IT WITH 1245 CHARACTERS. BUT, AGAIN, THIS IS CONTINUED.
> 
> River Song, according to some wiki page, is an "Archaeologist, Detective" and "Management consultant," whatever the last one means. And Moffat made her into some sort of confidant for the Doctor who knows his real name and this and that and blah blah blah. Moffat only created her so he could have some geriatric woman get her cooties all over ALL the Doctors. It's bad enough she got her cooties on Ten, Eleven, AND Twelve. She even had sex with Eleven and Twelve and it's so gross that she brags about it openly. Now she's getting her cooties on Six, Seven, AND Eight. What the fuck. 
> 
> blah blah blah Moffat made them fall in love not in chronological order and who cares, she's dead. She should've stayed dead after "Forest of the Dead" but NO. And in "The Time of the Doctor" she WAS dead and that should've been it for her. But NO, she got her own Christmas special. 
> 
> Anyway, she has to be invited to the Death Zone to fight for the Doctor's love. Moving on. 
> 
> Then there's that annoying Clara Oswald, another character that should've stayed dead, but no, she didn't stay dead too. Not even after she was killed off and now she's a GHOST. Moffat only created her to piss off Rose shippers even more, because clearly, unlike Russell T. Davies, he really hates shippers just like the rest of those fedora-wearing Doctor Who dudebros. I mean, Clara babysits children. Then she's a teacher. Somehow she learns how to ride a motorcycle and knows judo and all this stuff. I don't know how anyone can't see her as a Mary Sue. Probably Moffat created her because everything he wanted to do with Clara he wanted to do in real life, but he couldn't do it because he's old and male, and there are some things you can't do when you're old and male. 
> 
> Anyway, the Doctor and Clara don't really get it on or anything, but the Doctor thought Clara was his girlfriend at one point, so I guess that counts. Anyway, she has to be invited to the Death Zone to fight for the Doctor's love. Moving on. 
> 
> Finally, there's the Master. But for some reason, Moffat thought it'd be funny to make the Master into a woman, especially when the Master clearly was male when the sexy sexy John Simm played him. So the Master is now known as Missy for some reason, but, really, she is FEMALE MASTER. Really old Female Master. Like, she can also be my grandmother Female Master. Female Master calls the Doctor her boyfriend and the Doctor doesn't resist because Moffat made the Doctor into some huge slut. THE DOCTOR IS NOT A SLUT. HE'S A ONE-WOMAN MAN. MOFFAT RUINED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE DOCTOR. Female Master even thinks the Doctor trying to kill her is romantic. What a nutjob.
> 
> Anyway, she has to be invited to the Death Zone to fight for the Doctor's love. 
> 
> So all four women are in the Death Zone to fight for the Doctor's love. The Doctors are on one circle-block thing, not touching each other so time doesn't die or whatever. Even though River got her cooties on Six, Seven, and Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, and Twelve are in the circle thing. Facing them, on separate circles, are Rose, River, Clara, and Female Master. All four of them meet in a big circle thing to fight for the Doctor's love. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will be bald at the end of this death match?
> 
> Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Sed hendrerit, dolor et vehicula dictum, purus sem aliquam dolor, ac lacinia sem massa vel nisl. Curabitur venenatis tempor magna, nec mattis est porttitor euismod. Maecenas massa sapien, vehicula ac sagittis non, mollis sed diam. Fusce eget gravida nisi, iaculis tristique ligula. Aliquam erat volutpat. Donec at mi ac elit eleifend sodales sit amet id ante. Aliquam ac elit aliquam, tincidunt sem et, vulputate magna. Vivamus sed dolor purus. Proin nec enim aliquet, elementum nibh eu, condimentum est. Etiam sagittis est enim, id vulputate dui congue vitae. In tempor, diam at molestie bibendum, libero enim cursus lectus, eu faucibus nunc orci ut orci. 
> 
> No flames. Please review and enjoy!

River shot out all the lights in the Death Zone. Meanwhile, Rose and Clara tackled Female Master. They all tied Female Master up and left her in the Death Zone, because, really, who wants to sleep with someone who might want to kill you and call your death "yummy." (And, really, people who get off of calling other people "puppies" are sick freaks.) 

River teleported Rose and Clara out of the Death Zone with her vortex manipulator. All the Doctors could save Female Master because they usually would. But honestly, River should kill her and be done with it. And all media should apply the Scott Evil solution to everything, because before he went crazy, Scott Evil was right. Kill your enemies, damn it.


	2. Sex!  HOT SEX FOR ALL THE LADIES.

River, Rose, and Clara had an orgy. They did a [daisy chain.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Group_sex#Daisy_chain) They did [tribadism.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tribadism) They even did butt stuff. And it was hot.

THE END


	3. THE SEQUEL!  Missy and River Song out of the Death Zone doing something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lol I'm too lazy to start a new work for this bang so here's what happened after chapter one with Missy and chapter two with River Song.
> 
> This part is less sexy than the first sorry.

The captain knew something wrong when his transport ship, which was meant to stop in a busy spaceport, was heading towards a nearly barren planet 

Missy walked into the ship's cockpit and said You're not calling anyone for help. I'm taking this ship

The co-pilot attempted to attack Missy.

"I don't need you." She raised her device and killed the motherfucker.

Missy calmly walked 

 

[something about the doctor is stupid]

Missy broke out a window in the ship with her device The stingrays flocked towards the beam coming out of the device.

Missy fell and she almost died.

 

River saw Missy face down on the ground. She gasped. River didn't want to save Missy BUT SHE DID 'CAUSE SHE WAS HORNY.

River grabbed Missy [MORE]

[SEX]

"Hello, Missy," River said


	4. After Missy and River had sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Less sexy than chapters one two three I'm sorry

River found a crashed Sontaran scout ship 

There was a coffin. with the words "HERE LIES OUR GLORIOUS FORMER RULER MISSY, LATE WIFE OF OUR GLORIOUS RULER RIVER SONG." 

River opened the coffin using her lightsaber. The empty coffin confirmed her suspicion that Missy wasn't dead. 

and so River looked for Missy

 

and now River's in Tivoli, italy looking for Missy 

"Glorious Former Ruler River Song!" The Tivolian jumped up and clapped her hands. "We thought you were killed by our Glorious Current Rulers the Sontarans."

"When did I arrive in Tivoli to rule you 

"You've forgotten, Glorious Former Ruler [something]

[something else]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But they found each other and had sex on every planet in the galaxy.
> 
> THE END

**Author's Note:**

> In all seriousness, apologies and credit goes to [the nonnie in this Doctor Who thread who said their friend was "offended" by River getting her "cooties" all over Six, Seven, and Eight.](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/185074.html?thread=1006998770#cmt1006)


End file.
